Tourist Troubles
by Shruikin
Summary: Tabris, summoned to Kirkwall to have a rather unfavorable chat with Meredith, gets lost. Some language
1. Chapter 1

"I've decided that I don't like Kirkwall," Tabris mentioned off handedly to her mabari. The dog in question huffed in agreement. "It's an inferno in here, smells like Oghren's socks, and everyone has a suck-lemons look. I mean, Maker, even the birds look pissed off." She gestured towards a raven-shaped bird, one she had never seen before. The mabari looked up, woofed, and the bird hissed back.

Tabris sighed as she sauntered deeper into Low Town. Being in full armor was not her choice, but being told repeatedly that if she didn't look official and intimidating enough, she would get her money and probably socks stolen. And Maker forbid she got her socks stolen. Grey Warden armor was not her favorite, it was too heavy and flashy, screaming, "Look at me! I do important things! WORSHIP ME!" No, no, she preferred Dwarven armor. Those bastards know what the hell they are doing when they craft armor. However, musing how impractical her armor was is not why she arrived to Kirkwall.

Tabris shoved her hand into one of the many pockets she had, grabbing a crumpled piece of paper. Written on it was incredibly curvy handwriting, almost to the point to where Tabris couldn't even read it.

_ Dear Grey Wardens,_

_ It has come to my attention that many Kirkwall mages are being recruited into the Grey Wardens. They have been taken away by the dozens over the past few years. I have contacted other Circles to be informed that not nearly as many mages have been recruited. I formally request one of your officials to please explain to me _in person_ as to why this is. I await an explanation. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Knigh- Commander Meredith_

Tabris raised her eyebrow at the letter. She didn't know why she was chosen to go. Why not Stroud? That mellow-dramatic Orelsian had been here before during the Qunari attacks. But nope! Send the elf who doesn't do well with people to solve the problem. Yup, that's why the Wardens are known for their tact. She rolled her eyes. And couldn't this Meredith at least put some directions on here?

A middle-aged man leered at her as she passed, but her well practiced no-nonsense glare made him scamper off. Maker, she hated this place.

Alistair had warned her of Meredith before she set off. The king described her, in only a way he could, "A sneaky she-beast that swoops better than Morrigan." Needless to say, it didn't improve her mood about being sent off to the City of Chains.

The minutes ticked by, and still no sign that said, "This way to Meredith!" Nope, just rotting rat corpses and toothless men. She tried asking people several times where the hell she was and where to go, but they all either cowered away from her or sneered. The boiling sun made her sweat everywhere and she began to develop a headache. Patience running thin, she approached one last person. A man with sunbaked skin, greasy hair and an unkempt beard gave her a suspicious look when she approached.

"Not a step further! I bet you run with that stupid gang my niece started! Always stealing my food and meddling with political affairs! No! I'm sick of it! Back, I say!" he wailed, flailing his arms with wide eyes. He then ran with speed that made Tabris feel vaguely jealous. Sadly, her patience snapped. It was hot, she did not want to be here, no one was helping, and her socks were getting soggy with sweat.

Fury rolled off her as she stomped her way up to what she assumed was a tavern. Who ever thought a man being hanged in the front had some seriously disturbed curb appeal tastes, but that was not her problem right now. She kicked open the door with enough force for one of the hinges to break. Everyone inside immediately shut up, wide-eyes.

"Alright, LISTEN UP!" the tiny elf roared. She was met with silence. "I'm trying to find Knight-Commander Meredith! Which one of you Kirkwallers know where the hell she is?"

Everyone, too afraid to correct her on the correct use of term for a Kirkwall citizen, stayed quiet. Her mabari decided to bristle with anger for effect. "If no one tells me where this mage-hatin' Templar is, I swear to Andraste I'll make someone WISH they told me!"

Someone spit out their beer, going into a coughing fit. Tabris' eyes zeroed in on him and he gulped. "You there!" He sat stock-still. "Tell me!"

"Duuhh-I uuhh…uuuh…" he sputtered. She made a beeline towards him. Her armor glistened, indeed giving off the 'Look at me! I do important things' effect. The elf got right up into his face.

"How. Do. I. Get. To. Meredith," she seethed. The tension in the air was so thick you could punch it.

A dwarf, not much shorter than Tabris, sauntered up like this was normal. "Meredith! Oh, she's at the Gallows. Just head east here a bit and take a boat there, its only a ten minute ride."

Tabris stood up, fully composed and nodded. She could feel the anger melting away. "Thank you very much. Have a nice day, everyone," she said calmly, surprising even her self. And with that, she quietly walked out with no shame, her mabari happily trotting after her. It was silent in the tavern before people began to mutter in confusion.

"You okay, Sebastian?" Varric asked, patting the victimized human's shoulder.

The former prince blinked, dazed. "I think so… what… what was that?"

"A Grey Warden, by the looks of it. Don't take it personally, they all get a little high-strung," Anders casually mentioned as he sipped his beer, although he held a knowing smirk.

Just then, the door swung open again, and everyone flinched. The famous Hawke blinked in confusion before scuttling to her companions. "Did I miss something?" she asked.

"No," Isabella laughed, patting an open seat for her friend to take. "Just a crazy Ferelden."

Xxxxxx

Aaah, that was fun! I do not own these characters, they belong to Bioware!


	2. Chapter 2

The boat wobbled precariously as Tabris tried to step off of it. The water was a murky grey and she was pretty sure she saw a foot floating in it. Her mabari, Dog, looked like he was about to jump in but a sharp _thwack_ back-hand from his owner made him think otherwise. Another hissing bird greeted them.

The gallows was what Tabris would call… overcompensating? The statues, the walls, _the stairs_? Who ever blueprinted this was obviously trying to tell his girlfriend something. The elf rolled her shoulders, her back not feeling great with forty pound armor on it. Several Templars blinked spastically at her arrival.

"Is that-?"

"Yeah, a Grey Warden!"

"Wow, I wonder if that's the Hero of Ferelden!"

"Don't be an idiot. Everyone knows the Hero of Ferelden a badass Dalish elf that could shoot lasers out of her eyes."

"Lasers? Really, John? Lasers?"

Tabris stopped listening. Great, people thought she was a Dalish elf. She supposed that was more mysterious and graceful than a scrappy kid from the Alienage, but hey! Who was she to judge?

The sun was blocked by one of the freakishly tall walls, something she was grateful for. Okay, at the Gallows, now she needed to find this Meredith, get back to Ferelden, have a not so innocent meeting with Alistair, and go about her Warden duties. Seeing an unoccupied Templar, she decided to approach.

"Hey you, tall strapping, handsome- holy shit! Cullen?" she asked.

The Templar's eyes went wide. "You!" he squeaked.

"Hey, it's nice to see you're doing okay. Wow, I thought you landed in cray-cray land after that demon trapped you. I mean, really, some weird shit went down that night, am I right?" Some Templars looked on from afar.

Cullen smacked his hand onto her mouth. "Shut up! If people know I was involved with demons I could lose my job!" he pleaded.

Tabris tugged off his hand. "Alright, say no more! Anyways, I need to see a Meredith? Knight-Captain? "

"Oh, is this about the lasers?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Yes, she's to the left, up those stairs," he said, pointing towards the direction.

"Thank you," Tabris nodded, lightly confused. She followed his directions, finding herself right outside of the infamous Templar's office door. Dog sniffed at it, whimpering lightly.

"C'mon, Dog, it's nothing to worry abo-"

"For the last MAKER-DAMNED TIME! We will not, and will NEVER create laser swords! Now get out of my office before I declare you a blood mage!" came a roaring voice. A trembling Templar stumbled out, tail between his legs. Tabris watched with a bemused expression before entering into the office.

She was met by the sight of an elderly blonde woman, something she did not expect. Maybe a hairy she-beast like Alistair said, but not this. "Er, ahem. Meredith?"

The woman looked up, her bright blue eyes scanning her armor. "So you're the Grey Warden they sent?"

"Uh… yes?"

"They could have sent someone more impressive," Meredith muttered, no malice in her voice, saying it as if she was commenting on two darkspawn going at it. Which, admittedly, happened a lot in Tabris' line of business.

"Well, not to brag, but I did kind of save Ferelden from a huge-ass dra-"

"Not important. Now, tell me, why are the Wardens recruiting so many of MY mages?" The woman leaned foreword, folding her hands underneath her chin.

"Well, the Wardens see a lot of potential in Kirkwaller mages."

Meredith fought the urge to correct her. "I know for a fact that we produce some of the most mediocre mages around. There's got to be a better reason than that."

"Well, I dunno, I'm not the one recruiting them."

Meredith slammed her fists down on the mahogany table. "Don't toy with me. There's something more to this, I can SENSE IT!"

Tabris frowned. "Look, I was told last minute that my ass was getting shipped to Kirkwall to tell you what I just said. Other than that, I really don't know. Honestly, for the past several years I've been on the other side of the continent, so-"

"THERE'S A REASON!" Meredith hollered, standing up and jabbing her finger onto the obnoxious blue griffon on the elf's breastplate.

The elf stood up as well, and actually had the lady balls to punch, literally punch her hand away. "I DON'T CARE!" Tabris shouted. "I'm done! Done! That's what we Warden's have to say, so take it!"

"You can't leave! You knife-ears think you've got so much power now-"

"Oh-ho! Racial slurs now? What are you, twelve?"

The human looked like she might explode. Just then, the door knocked and a young Templar peeked in. "Uh, e-excuse me, Knight-Commander, I was here to talk to you about some laser swords?"

Pause. Then-

"!" Meredith screeched, literally screeched. This outburst looked like a god compared to Tabris' one earlier that day. She was pretty sure both her eardrums ruptured.

The Templar ran out of there faster than that crazy old man did earlier, leaving the elf impressed. However, the seething woman in front of her was something that needed to be dealt with. "Alright, Meredith. I can see you're taking this rather well, so I'll be leaving!" And with that, she got up and walked to the door.

"Don't think I'm finished with you, ELF!" Meredith snarled, her eyes twitching.

"I'm trembling in my boots," Tabris drawled, closing the door just in time to dodge the huge sword being spear-thrown at her. Outside, there were several Templars and an elf looking mage listening in. Upon seeing her they scrambled out of there like bats out of hell.

Dog looked up at her, an 'I told you so' look etched on his slobbering face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah," Tabris mumbled. "This town is full of crazies, I swear it-"

"Hey, you!" shouted the mage-looking elf. Tabris sized him up before deciding he looked a lot friendlier than Meredith.

"Yes?" she asked, and walked over to him when he beckoned her over.

"Listen," he whispered rather loudly, "it looks like you're trying to solve the inevitable conflict with mages and the Templars!"

"What? No, I-"

"Good, you're on the mages side! And you look strong! Listen; there is a mage-sympathizer, goes by Hawke. She's strong too. Here, give her this message for me," he said as he placed a very official looking envelope in her hand. "Off you go! Don't fail me, the fate of hundreds of lives rests on your back!" He then scuttled back to his office.

"What is this, I don't even…" She looked around, no one giving her any help in sorting out this mess. She looked down at the note, which said, "Hawke" in very curvy letters. Great, now she had to find out where this person lived. Ugh. Dog sniffed the letter and cocked his head. "Dog, I have I ever told you that I hate my job?"


	3. Chapter 3

Another boat ride and adventure through Low Town, she FINALLY made it to High Town. Probably the most attractive place in this hellhole, and that was saying a lot. Speaking of attractive…

An elf with tan skin, and elegant, almost Dalish-like tattoos walked past. Upon noticing her, which was hard not too due to her obnoxious armor, he narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Hey you!" she shouted as she jogged up to him. An amazing feat, really, when you're lugging that much weight in metal.

"I have a question-"

"No! I have a girlfriend. For Maker's sake, can't you women leave me alone?" he growled. Before Tabris could respond he took off surprisingly fast for being hunched.

"Well great. Awesome. _Fantastic_. Not only do I not know where this Hawke is, everyone here has a case of the crazies." Dog woofed in agreement. She looked back down at the note in her hand. Hawke, Hawke... Hawke. Why did that ring a bell? Wasn't that the kid who Alistair traveled all the way here to talk too? Oh yeah. Supposedly really important, powerful, yadda yadda yadda. Okay, well if she's important it shouldn't be too hard to find her, right?

Wrong.

Like they did in Low Town, people refused to answer her. She was actually reduced to knocking on every damn door and hardly any of them answering. By about the sixteenth door, she punched the handle, making it break off and the door to swing violently open. She was met by two very naked people tangled around each other in a fashion that would have made pre-boyfriend Alistair blush 'til he bruised.

"Uuh…" she mumbled.

"Shit!" the woman shouted, a redhead that looked like she was blasted with freckles.

"Maker damn it!" shouted the brunette man.

"Yeaaah," Tabris muttered, grabbing the remnants of the door handle and gently closing the door. Trying to wipe what the hell she just saw from her mind, she continued her search.

Finally, after an hour of knocking on doors (and being sure not to break them in), she found the elusive Hawke's house. How she could have missed the large 'Champion Hawke's Estate," on awning was beyond her. When she knocked, a familiar looking dwarf answered.

"Bodahn?"

"Warden Tabris?"

"…I thought you died."

"…Me too."

It was silent. Before they could say anything else, someone walked up behind them. "Bodahn! You wouldn't believe it, there was a Grey Warden at the Hanged Man who scared the metaphorical shit out of Sebastian! I missed it, but it sounded hilar- oh, who is this?"

Tabris turned around to see a young woman, perhaps a few years younger. And looked almost exactly like herself. What the hell is up with that? "I'm Tabris," the elf introduced. "Are you Hawke?"

"Yeah."

Tabris could have cried. "Good! Here, take this," she said, shoving the note from that weird elf mage into the human's hand. Hawke eyed her armor suspiciously but tore open the envelope. Everyone waited in silence as Hawke's eyes frantically read it.

"Oh, no. Meredith-"

"Merebitch more like it," Tabris mumbled.

"-has finally lost it! Orsino wants us to help him kill a shit load of Templars and make a stand! I need to round up the others," she exclaimed. "Hey, you're on the mage's side-"

"I never said that-"

"-and it looks like you can fight! Join us!"

"No!" Tabris shouted. "I'm sick of this place! Done! I'm going home, going to enjoy a nice night with my man-candy, and forget that this trip EVER HAPPENED. Take care of this crap for yourself!" And with that, Tabris sprinted the hell out of there, Dog at her heels.

It was hours later and sundown when the boat finally took off. "Good Maker, that was horrible. Remind me never to return to Kirkwall ever again. I mean, I don't think that place can get any-"

Suddenly a large red laser shot up from the ground somewhere in High Town, quite visible to Tabris. A Templar not to far off on the docks shouted a faint, "I knew it!" The chantry, from the looks of it, broke off in very geometrical pieces before exploding violently. The Grey Warden sat there with a straight face as large chucks of the chantry plopped in the ocean next to her.

"Did I ever tell you that I don't like Kirkwall?" she mentioned offhandedly to her mabari.


End file.
